Fallen For Love

I have seen you but once, beautiful eyes cast upon me. We talked and similarities echoed through my mind; I have found you, perfect person. A story grows in fantasy, that has no part in your world, only projections of love reflecting our happy life together, perfectly suited to my needs alone. You do not exist, you are not real, there is no relationship.

Limerence, was a term first used by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in her seminal work "Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love," (1999). Limerence represents a state of romantic attraction characterised by an infatuation towards another individual. While often likened to love, limerence distinguishes itself through uniquepsychological features; intensity, object affection, intrusive thoughts, idealisation and fear of rejection.

At the core of limerence lies an intensity of emotions directed towards the object of affection. This may be a real person; for example someone you have met once or twice, but there is a complex reaction inside, an intensity of feelings and thoughts.  This intensity manifests as a deep longing for connection, for love and for reciprocation of that love. It becomes a pervasive preoccupation with the thoughts and actions about the other person. Individuals experiencing limerence find themselves consumed by desire for emotional connection and validation.

Limerent thoughts revolve around infatuation, oftentimes in an intrusive manner, disrupting daily life. Central to limerence is the tendency to idealise the object of affection, with an exaggerated perception of the other person, leading the limerent individual to overlook their flaws or shortcomings. Consequently, the disparity between idealised perceptions and reality fuels the intensity of limerent feelings.

Limerence transcends emotions and manifests physically; symptoms such as butterflies in the stomach, increased heart rate, and perspiration commonly accompany thoughts of or interactions with the limerent object. These physiological manifestations underscore and are often confused with feelings of 'being in love'.  But being in love is a felt sense in the here and now, in relationship with another, limerence is not in the here and now.

Limerence does not necessarily denote a healthy or sustainable romantic relationship, it may create connections with others, but limerence can cause emotional turmoil and distress, particularly in instances of unrequited feelings or unhealthy relationship dynamics.

 Despite the desire for reciprocation, individuals experiencing limerence often struggle with the fear of rejection. This fear, rooted in insecurities and anxieties, amplifies emotional distress and perpetuates a cycle of uncertainty and longing. If we search back through a personal history, there is usually some for of rejection, abandonment or emotional betrayal, where the individual created parts of the themselves, or strategies, to have feelings of love, behind the safety of not actually having a loving relationship. 

As we unravel the nature of limerence, we gain insights into the dynamics of romantic attraction and quest for emotional fulfilment. Ultimately, by developing self-awareness and healthy coping mechanisms, individuals can transcend the grip of limerence and start a journey towards authentic connection and self-discovery.

This phenomenon can also manifest as a symptom of Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD), wherein enduring relational traumas give rise individuals becoming caught in a romantic fantasy while negating the reality of such an encounter. Research conducted by Willmott & Bentley (2015) draws links to related symptomology associated with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, addiction, separation anxiety, depression, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, disassociated states, and maladaptive fantasy.

Have you ever experienced limerence?

References:

Tennov, D. (1999) Love and limerence: The experience of being in Love. Lanham, MD: Scarborough House.

Willmott, L., & Bentley, E. (2015). Exploring the Lived-Experience of Limerence: A Journey toward Authenticity. The Qualitative Report, 20(1), 20-38. https://doi.org/10.46743/2160-3715/2015.1420